Four days ago, I saw sara_scientist's profile on okcupid, and I thought she looked cool enough to be worth an email. Her profile portrays her as a feisty geek. She says she embraces "good conversation," and at the time, I think my brain mistakenly translated that into "heated nerd arguments." What, you mean there are other kinds of "good conversation?" Sigh.
My email to her:
Do you think human homosexuality is an adaptation?
Why do people pick at their own scabs?
Can I have your AIM screen name?
About the scabs question... the question was on my mind because of this reddit thread on the topic. I found the thread to be striking because even after 90 messages, no one gave the answer that I thought was obvious: most animals feel a strong compulsion to pick/bite at anything on their bodies which doesn't look/feel like skin/fur, because such an adaptation is very useful for keeping the body clear of parasites.
Fuck, I really feel like I'm becoming increasingly detached from humanity somehow... I'm so obsessed with all of these little crackpot sociobiological theories on how the world works... it's really gotten to the point where I just dismiss EVERYTHING people say on the topic of their own motivations, because I'm so convinced that people are so full of shit and don't understand themselves because they think in terms of human emotion and all of these bullshit contradictory self-confirming theories of mind when in reality everything has a really simple sociobiological / evolutionary explanation and I am special / cursed for being able to see it...
Haha, fuck. Anyway. The girl responds to my email with this tripe:
(Re: Estimate the percent chance that god exists?) Well, it's a yes/no question, so that leaves us with zero or one. I could say 6%, but then I'd have to pull some God-existence-equation out of my ass and that would be too much work. Besides the fact that I don't think it's as high as 6%.
(Re: Do you think human homosexuality is an adaptation?) There's some evidence for a genetic basis, in which case you have a choice of a) strong association with other adaptive gene, b) homosexuals as a net benefit to family groups by decreasing adult-to-dependent ratios + family group as genetic "carrier," or c) forced/accidental/culture-driven reproduction through history (less likely to be a useful scenario without a dose of a).) I'd take a) or b), lean towards b).
(Re: Why do people pick at their own scabs?) Because we're just bored monkeys, even though we have computers.
(Re: Can I have your AIM screen name?) This one is the hard question. On one hand, you're kind of interesting. On the other hand, according to your profile, you're crazy, weird, and unhappy, and you play Warcraft. I'm probably way too normal for you. I like happy people, even. Except that you probably don't care how I am if I'll have sex with you. Which I have no plans to do. All things considered, you can IM me at molefrosh as long as you are at least as interesting as you are crazy and weird.
So I IMed her.
| 00:07 | tommyb80 | sup nigga how u hangin? |
| 00:08 | tommyb80 | Would you say that there is more or less than a 3% chance that god exists? |
| 00:09 | molefrosh | no, I would not say. |
| 00:09 | tommyb80 | Would you say that you would refuse to answer such a question? |
| 00:09 | molefrosh | mmhmm |
| 00:10 | molefrosh | and I might even ask how you would answer it, since it seems to be a question you like |
| 00:10 | tommyb80 | I usually go with 15%. |
| 00:10 | molefrosh | what's the rationale? |
| 00:10 | tommyb80 | I don't know. |
| 00:11 | molefrosh | belief? |
| 00:12 | tommyb80 | It is an untestable hypothesis to the extreme. However, in a sense, you could say that every statement is untestable. And I seem to have some machinery in my brain for coming up with estimates anyway. I guess evolution put that machinery there. |
| 00:12 | molefrosh | hey kids, check out the guessing monkey! |
Jesus fucking christ, why is the world so fucking infested with pretentious stealth-anti-intellectual motherfuckers who reflexively refuse to answer ... ... ok, I've been staring at this sentence for three minutes now and I can't figure out a satisfying way to finish it. Maybe that means I'm the pretentious stealth-anti-intellectual motherfucker. Sigh. Anyway, I fucking hate it when people don't answer my estimate-percent-chance questions. It might even be the fastest, most surefire way of making me rage.
| 00:13 | molefrosh | I was interested to hear, years ago, that they'd found a god gene |
| 00:13 | molefrosh | mostly because I was very sure from a very young age |
| 00:13 | tommyb80 | We make guesses every second of the day. I would say that if you think you can know something for 100% certain, then you're lying to yourelf. |
| 00:13 | molefrosh | and that's a simple explanation |
| 00:14 | molefrosh | if possibly a convenient lie |
| 00:14 | tommyb80 | Oh, so you're refusing to answer my question because it's "convenient" for you to do so? |
| 00:15 | tommyb80 | It seems to me that it would take less time for you to just say "yes" or "no." |
| 00:15 | tommyb80 | What would you estimate is the percent chance that you are currently dreaming? |
| 00:15 | molefrosh | I did answer your question; re: very sure. |
| 00:16 | molefrosh | and the percent chance that we are currently dreaming is "it doesn't matter"? |
| 00:16 | tommyb80 | If I care, does that mean it matters? |
| 00:17 | molefrosh | eh, depends on whether I have to argue with you about it |
| 00:17 | molefrosh | I don't really find it an interesting question; "no" is a good proxy answer |
| 00:18 | tommyb80 | What are you studying? |
| 00:18 | molefrosh | I'm a geologist |
| 00:19 | tommyb80 | What do you think about peak oil? |
| 00:19 | tommyb80 | Estimate the percent chance that the population of the world will decrease by half in the next 30 years as a result of peak oil? |
| 00:20 | molefrosh | mm |
| 00:20 | molefrosh | low |
| 00:21 | molefrosh | though 30-50 years is a good time horizon to be thinking on according to data compilation |
| 00:21 | tommyb80 | Less or more than 5%? |
| 00:21 | molefrosh | less |
| 00:21 | tommyb80 | Less or more than 1%? |
| 00:22 | molefrosh | insufficient data; insufficient interest |
| 00:23 | molefrosh | do you ask any questions that don't involve percents? |
| 00:23 | tommyb80 | I try to avoid it. What's a topic that you're interested in? |
| 00:23 | molefrosh | alternatively, what's the best answer you've ever gotten to one of those questions |
| 00:23 | molefrosh | ? |
| 00:24 | tommyb80 | The answered I like best are a simple numerical value. |
| 00:24 | tommyb80 | answers, rather. |
| 00:24 | molefrosh | heh |
| 00:24 | molefrosh | okay |
| 00:25 | tommyb80 | What did you get on the SAT? |
| 00:26 | molefrosh | are you asking that because you know it's a taboo question? |
| 00:27 | tommyb80 | I don't think so, no. I believe I'm asking because I'm attracted to people who report a high SAT score. |
| 00:28 | molefrosh | I can't remember if I missed one or two. |
| 00:28 | tommyb80 | So that's like, 1560, 1580 or 1590? |
| 00:28 | molefrosh | something like that, yes |
| 00:29 | molefrosh | I did not win the SAT |
| 00:29 | molefrosh | not that I actually cared about that even at the time, but it was something people would say to be funny |
| 00:30 | tommyb80 | So it would not have bothered you if you got 1000 on the SAT? |
| 00:31 | molefrosh | I was referring to knowing people who would have been pissed off or saddened to have missed one |
| 00:31 | molefrosh | I liked going to college, so I suppose it would have bothered me then, yes |
| 00:32 | tommyb80 | So perhaps it would be accurate to say that you care, but the magnitude of your care is small enough to allow you to stylishly claim that you don't care. |
| 00:33 | molefrosh | yeah, that's about right |
| 00:34 | molefrosh | luckily, you're an internet person; a throwaway interaction |
| 00:34 | molefrosh | so I can say all manner stupid shit |
| 00:34 | molefrosh | and probably not even regret it |
| 00:34 | tommyb80 | Again pointing out how little you care. You must care a lot about how conveying to me how little you care. |
| 00:35 | molefrosh | mmhmm, beats telling how uncomfortable the SAT question makes my poor little brain |
| 00:42 | molefrosh | so how about the massachusetts election? |
| 00:43 | tommyb80 | I don't know about it. *googles* |
| 00:44 | molefrosh | what do you know about? |
| 00:45 | tommyb80 | Regarding the election or regarding life in general? In a few minutes, I'll know what wikipedia says about the election, which is generally sufficient for me to claim that I "know about" a topic. |
| 00:45 | molefrosh | regarding not-the-election |
| 00:46 | molefrosh | I could read wikipedia for myself |
| 00:47 | tommyb80 | I assumed you were asking me for a subjective opinion on the election, not for me to regurgitate some obscure set of facts that you had not yet acquired. |
| 00:47 | tommyb80 | Jesus you're annoying. I'm a computer science major, if that answers your question. |
| 00:48 | molefrosh | heh |
| 00:48 | tommyb80 | I've spent a couple of minutes now asking you what I think are very interesting questions. |
| 00:48 | tommyb80 | The trend seems to be that you refuse to answer them. |
| 00:50 | molefrosh | I dunno, you've asked me a lot of questions with numbers for answers |
| 00:50 | molefrosh | I don't know that I can convey anything meaningful with that sort of answer |
| 00:51 | tommyb80 | It would be very satisfying to me if you would answer the question anyway. |
| 00:51 | molefrosh | which one |
| 00:51 | molefrosh | ? |
| 00:51 | tommyb80 | All future percent chance questions and, if you're feeling up to all, it past ones. |
| 00:52 | molefrosh | If you want. |
| 00:53 | tommyb80 | I'm having a hard time maintaining interest in this wikipedia article. The controversy, if you want to call it that, seems to be over a bunch of legal minutia, but I personally have a hard time caring when I don't really understand the functional difference between the two candidates to begin with. |
| 00:54 | molefrosh | I'm mostly interested in the implications for healthcare bill yes/no |
| 00:54 | tommyb80 | So I guess what I think about the massachusetts election is that I have not yet found a reason to care about it, but I may come across such a reason in the future. |
| 00:54 | tommyb80 | oh. |
| 00:54 | tommyb80 | What do you think about the healthcare bill? |
| 00:56 | molefrosh | that as a couple of mandates underlying a bunch of pilot/tester programs, whether it is any good matters relatively little, since it aims to identify things that could be good |
| 00:56 | molefrosh | and that it's the best first try we're going to get |
| 00:56 | molefrosh | and that the current system hurts a lot of people |
| 00:57 | molefrosh | and that anything is better than nothing sometimes. |
| 00:57 | tommyb80 | I've been having a hard time following the health care reform thing. Reddit.com, my primary source of news, seems to say conflicting things about it, so the most I can really gather about it is that it's confusing. |
| 00:57 | molefrosh | it's not a bad conclusion. |
| 00:58 | molefrosh | I've been following it on slate.com, among other places |
| 00:58 | molefrosh | they tend to have smart analysis |
| 00:59 | tommyb80 | My main fear is that it's really just a way to dump large sums of taxpayer money on the insurance companies as handouts, and that nothing will change for the better in any way. Interestingly, your statements so far have confirmed that fear in my mind. ;P |
| 00:59 | molefrosh | also, reddit for fun, sure, but reddit seems a little sparse on news these days |
| 00:59 | molefrosh | yeah, that thing you said is true too. |
| 01:00 | tommyb80 | I have not detect any inclination whatsoever for Obama to do things for the good of the US citizen. I think he is firmly in the hand of corporate profits, and so my default assumption is that the healthcare bill is just a vapid corporate handout. |
| 01:00 | tommyb80 | But like I said, the actual information I have at this point is very close to none. |
| 01:01 | molefrosh | I have some belief that government does, occasionally, and typically inefficiently, do good things |
| 01:02 | tommyb80 | Well, my reading is that health care is something most first world countries actually get right. |
| 01:02 | molefrosh | except that such a thing will never be adopted wholesale |
| 01:02 | tommyb80 | I don't understand why you say that. |
| 01:03 | molefrosh | mm? |
| 01:04 | tommyb80 | Why is it impossible for our government to just look at some european country's laws regarding healthcare and just copy them verbatim? |
| 01:05 | tommyb80 | It seems to me that the actual legislation would be simple, easy to formulate, and overwhelmingly popular in the US general population. |
| 01:05 | tommyb80 | Noam Chomsky says all the time that the US population is overwhelmingly supportive of nationalized healthcare. Like, in the 80+% in support. |
| 01:06 | tommyb80 | So when you say it's impossible, you are implying that the insurance companies are so powerful and so in control of our government that we would never be able to fell them in one swing? I don't think I believe that. |
| 01:07 | molefrosh | except the whole platform of this dude in Massachusetts was that he would defeat this bill, which was fought over for weeks to make it less and less European-looking so someone might pass it |
| 01:07 | molefrosh | ie people "don't want health care reform" |
| 01:07 | molefrosh | but more appropriately, people respond strongly to how questions are framed. |
| 01:08 | tommyb80 | When you say "people," I think you mean "politicians who are heavily influenced by corporate interests." |
| 01:08 | molefrosh | no, I mean the electorate |
| 01:08 | tommyb80 | So far, I have never heard anyone oppose the health care reform because they don't think people should have health care. The only opposition I've ever heard is that the bill is just a piece of shit corporate handout. |
| 01:09 | tommyb80 | I think the idea that there are a bunch of redneck republicans infesting our country who don't want healthcare is a total myth. |
| 01:09 | tommyb80 | A myth being pushed by the corporate media. |
| 01:10 | molefrosh | I may come from the wrong sort of family, but I know a lot of people who would be pissed off to part with an extra cent of tax to take care of someone else's bills. |
| 01:10 | molefrosh | but I agree that far more people want health care of some sort than want this particular bill |
| 01:11 | molefrosh | and I more or less agree that it is a piece of crap |
| 01:12 | tommyb80 | Chomsky has said before that nationalized health care may be possible if the corporations get behind it, which I've heard him claim might happen. He says some manufacturing companies or something have claimed that their US profits are being fucked up because the health care system is so expensive and they have to pay a large part of that. |
| 01:12 | tommyb80 | I personally think that's our only chance, but it seems possible. |
| 01:13 | molefrosh | something I hadn't heard before; it does seem possible |
| 01:14 | molefrosh | companies fighting each other -- good or bad for everyone else? |
| 01:14 | molefrosh | probably bad. |
| 01:15 | tommyb80 | Heh, "fighting" in this case means "blowing a lot of money on buying politicians to further their own self-interests." |
| 01:16 | tommyb80 | If it ends up benefitting the average US citizens, yeah, it's probably by accident. ;P |
| 01:16 | molefrosh | I imagine that manufacturers are more likely to deal with insurance companies (as, indeed, they already do) than with the government. Government has to be a long-term side project for them. If they want results, industry. |
| 01:17 | molefrosh | not that it's worked for them so far |
| 01:18 | molefrosh | so it occurs to me that I've never heard any media, mainstream or otherwise, accuse a specific insurance company of influencing a specific congressman |
| 01:18 | molefrosh | have you? |
| 01:18 | tommyb80 | It seems to me that they only threat they have over the insurance companies is "we're not going to pay for our workers' health insurance anymore," to which the insurance companies will happily reply "fine, then they'll pay for it themselves and we'll be able to shaft them out of even more money, we win." |
| 01:19 | tommyb80 | mmm, no, I guess not. |
| 01:19 | molefrosh | well, that, or saying they have a better potential deal with company B |
| 01:20 | tommyb80 | Er, I remember seeing some documentary (?) on how Hillary Clinton used to push for health care reform, and how she was essentially bought off by the insurance companies. And this documentary actually listed real dollar figures, in the hundreds of thousands of dollars for some politicians. I guess it might have listed actual company names, but I would've forgotten those names anyway. |
| 01:20 | tommyb80 | maybe it was a michael moore movie... that seems like something he would do. |
| 01:20 | molefrosh | yeah, that does seem like a michael moore movie |
| 01:21 | molefrosh | not necessarily wrong, but why don't I see this repeated? |
| 01:21 | tommyb80 | It is against the interests of corporate media to repeat such a thing, I assume. |
| 01:22 | molefrosh | I don't really have any good answers for that as pertains to, say, wingnut blogs |
| 01:22 | tommyb80 | Medical insurance companies are probably huge and powerful and I'm sure they buy media airtime. |
| 01:22 | molefrosh | yeah, leaving out cnn, because they have motives |
| 01:22 | molefrosh | cnn & co |
| 01:23 | tommyb80 | The US population is so easy to entertain with celebrity gossip or whatever that it just isn't cost efficient to actually throw them news with real substance that might offend a corporate interest. |
| 01:23 | molefrosh | (it's getting late enough that I should try harder to be coherent.) |
| 01:24 | tommyb80 | Which is why corporate media is completely obsolete and untrustworthy in my mind, when I can get the same news from reddit.com anyway. |
| 01:24 | tommyb80 | and wikipedia. |
| 01:24 | molefrosh | there are a lot of smart people writing on the internet |
| 01:24 | molefrosh | the trouble is finding them |
| 01:24 | tommyb80 | One of the guys I work with has a wife in journalism, and he talks all the time about how print media is dying. |
| 01:24 | tommyb80 | and good riddance, imo |
| 01:25 | molefrosh | heh |
| 01:25 | molefrosh | it depends |
| 01:25 | molefrosh | my local paper sucks, but I like getting the new yorker |
| 01:25 | molefrosh | and, more pertinently, I like it enough to pay for it |
| 01:26 | molefrosh | but I guess the test is whether that's true of enough people |
| 01:26 | molefrosh | which it isn't, really. |
| 01:26 | tommyb80 | If print media literally died tomorrow, all of the cool people putting together cool stories will still probably continue to do so, I think. |
| 01:26 | molefrosh | well, all the good reporters are paid in some way |
| 01:26 | tommyb80 | I guess since I haven't bought a newspaper ever in my life, my opinion might be considered biased. |
| 01:26 | molefrosh | previously subscription costs |
| 01:27 | tommyb80 | And maybe in the glorious future of the internet, they'll be paid through tip jars. |
| 01:27 | molefrosh | probably now some percent subscription costs and some percent ads |
| 01:27 | tommyb80 | It sounds silly, but I think it's going to happen. |
| 01:27 | molefrosh | I'd say subscriptions still more than 50% |
| 01:28 | molefrosh | it's one of the future, the tip jar |
| 01:28 | molefrosh | it's not a good stable one |
| 01:28 | molefrosh | because popular and smart don't have a large intersection |
| 01:29 | tommyb80 | Artists don't usually get a stable income, unfortunately. And journalists are essentially artists, whether they admit it to themselves or not. |
| 01:29 | molefrosh | in what sense? |
| 01:29 | molefrosh | that the value of their work is subjective? |
| 01:31 | tommyb80 | Sure. "Just the facts" is pure pretense, imo. Journalists do some research (which nowadays probably amounts to just surfing the fucking web) and then they bring together some of what they read with a lot of opinion and flair, and it's an art to turn that into something popular that people will want to read. It's not some mechanical process at all. Not everyone can do it. |
| 01:33 | tommyb80 | I doubt the modern journalist travels very much. Why bother, when you can get everything on the internet? My coworker talks about this, actually. He claims that a lot of journalists are really just quoting and regurgitating each other more than anything else. |
| 01:34 | tommyb80 | But yeah, I'm biased, because I don't pay for that shit. |
| 01:34 | tommyb80 | I don't need some nigger reading wikipedia for me and telling me what to think. I'll just read the damn thing myself. |
| 01:35 | tommyb80 | Noam Chomsky is the only person I trust to regurgitate the facts to me. And his tip jar is overflowing. ;P |
| 01:44 | molefrosh | except that the ones they are quoting _are_ traveling, etc. There's still a class of journalists who generate the news and a class of journalists who put time into original analysis. And if you want news at all, you have to provide for these people in some way. Maybe the intersection of these groups and popular people will be enough, but I sort of doubt it. So if you want "real news," I think tip jar is no good. I guess the best case could be organization that subsidizes smart off popular. I guess that's not to far from what we've got now, if the organizations moved online. |
| 01:45 | molefrosh | I read that about 5 times and it's not clear to me that it makes sense |
| 01:45 | molefrosh | so I'm going to ask you one more question and go to bed |
| 01:45 | tommyb80 | Why are they travelling? |
| 01:45 | tommyb80 | ok |
| 01:45 | molefrosh | I get the sense that by "nigger" you mean "any person" or possibly "any person you don't like" |
| 01:45 | molefrosh | is that accurate? |
| 01:46 | tommyb80 | I mean, high profile news organizations might send their high profile dudes around the world, but I assume it's just for advertising more than anything else. Why bother actually showing up in a country when you can call everyone you want to interview on the telephone anyway? I assume the talking heads on CNN just go visit some far away country, film a piece with some national monument in the background, and then fly home. |
| 01:47 | tommyb80 | Yeah, sounds accurate. |
| 01:48 | molefrosh | kay, I gotta stop thinking and sleep so I can get up in six hours. I'll talk to you later, probably. |
| 01:48 | tommyb80 | later |
.
| 20:23 | tommyb80 | Wanna hang out? |
| 20:23 | molefrosh | you mean in person? |
| 20:23 | tommyb80 | yeah |
| 20:24 | molefrosh | no, I just home from work an hour ago |
| 20:24 | tommyb80 | heh |
Again, creepy fears that I've somehow irrevocably lost my humanity through interspection overload here, or that I'm somehow deluded... This is a smart chick I'm talking to. And yet it seems super obvious to me that "I just got home from work an hour ago" has absolutely nothing to do with the possibility of hanging out with me. But if it's so obviously a shallow ploy to mask her real intentions, why is she doing it at all? Why do ALL bitches do this exact same thing, constantly? There is an error in my thought process somewhere, and I'm not sure where. I guess I lean towards the idea that it is in fact transparent, and everyone knows it, but no one really cares. Am I just being a language fascist here? ... It isn't really "deception" if everyone is aware of the maneuver, and expects it, is it? In fact, maybe it would be confusing to do it any other way, and I'm the one who is a big shithead for championing all of these nonstandard communication methodologies? Perhaps I'm the one who is needlessly confusing people? In fact, maybe I'm even being really "deceptive," since an esoteric communication technique is more likely to escape criticism and thus harbor a lot of little hidden tricks that I'm subconsciously using to manipulate people and not even realize it? ... ... god damn it
| 22:34 | tommyb80 | What did you do today? |
| 22:35 | molefrosh | hit rocks with a hammer till they were powder, then doused them in hydrochloric acid |
| 22:35 | molefrosh | kind of fun |
| 22:36 | molefrosh | as you can see, I am an intellectual worker |
| 22:41 | tommyb80 | What ivy league school did you go to? |
| 22:41 | molefrosh | I went to Caltech |
| 22:42 | tommyb80 | Why did you choose geology? |
| 22:43 | molefrosh | I was attracted to the outdoors work, with the additional draw of a small department that took care of its people |
| 22:43 | tommyb80 | How many sex partners have you had in your life? |
| 22:44 | molefrosh | define sex |
| 22:46 | tommyb80 | If you add the number of males that you've had penile-vaginal intercourse with the number of females that you've had oral sex with, what number do you get? |
| 22:46 | molefrosh | 2 |
| 22:46 | tommyb80 | Have you ever been in love? |
| 22:47 | molefrosh | mmhmm |
| 22:47 | molefrosh | have you? |
| 22:47 | tommyb80 | Sure. |
| 22:47 | molefrosh | how long was that relationship? |
| 22:48 | tommyb80 | mmm, dunno, the most obvious example occurred when I was pretty young, with poorly defined endpoints. Maybe a year? |
| 22:49 | tommyb80 | How long has it been since you've had sex? |
| 22:51 | molefrosh | some time now, I guess. it's not the sex that I miss. |
| 22:51 | tommyb80 | What do you miss? |
| 22:51 | molefrosh | sense of stability? |
| 22:52 | tommyb80 | What kind of guys are you into? |
| 22:55 | molefrosh | nice ones, perhaps |
| 22:56 | molefrosh | do you consider offending people to be fun? |
| 22:56 | tommyb80 | Sometimes, but usually I just think it's depressing. |
| 22:57 | tommyb80 | Why did you break up with your last boyfriend? |
| 22:58 | molefrosh | is it depressing that they are offended, or do you feel bad for having done so? |
| 22:59 | tommyb80 | It's depressing that they are offended. |
| 23:01 | molefrosh | what percentage of people do you find acceptable? |
| 23:03 | tommyb80 | Um. I imagine I'd find pretty much anyone "acceptable" under the right circumstances. It feels like I'm just choosing a threshold arbitrarily... 40%? That said, I suspect I've generally had very few friends, most of my life. |
| 23:03 | tommyb80 | At present, I think I have zero local friends. |
| 23:03 | tommyb80 | And I've lived here for like six years. |
| 23:03 | molefrosh | where did you move from? |
| 23:04 | tommyb80 | Atlanta, Georgia Tech. |
| 23:04 | molefrosh | so why here? |
| 23:04 | tommyb80 | Sigh. Joined the military after college and was stationed here. |
| 23:05 | molefrosh | really? you don't seem like the type. |
| 23:05 | tommyb80 | Got out after two years and now I have a job as a contractor with my clearance. Yeah, I get that a lot. |
| 23:06 | tommyb80 | After college, I didn't / wouldn't find a job, and I was homeless for about 8 months, and I hated it. My parents urged me to join the military, so I finally did. |
| 23:07 | molefrosh | but with a cs degree, you presumably could have? |
| 23:07 | molefrosh | but didn't care to? |
| 23:07 | molefrosh | by homeless do you mean living with a friend or similar? |
| 23:07 | tommyb80 | Hard to say. The economy was pretty bad at the time. A lot of the kids who graduated with me were working as office temps and shit. |
| 23:07 | molefrosh | yeah, that would suck |
| 23:08 | tommyb80 | Living on couches, living in the student center, sleeping on floors, yeah. |
| 23:08 | molefrosh | geez |
| 23:08 | molefrosh | how did you go eight months like that? |
| 23:09 | tommyb80 | If you're asking why I didn't try to do something to make my life better, I guess the answer is "I don't know," and if you want some free association on the topic, "depression, apathy, brain turned off, I'm a lazy fucker." |
| 23:10 | tommyb80 | Er, I wouldn't have called myself depressed at the time. That's a word that I've started to use a lot, lately. |
| 23:10 | molefrosh | do you think you are depressed now? |
| 23:10 | molefrosh | or that you were then? |
| 23:12 | tommyb80 | Um. I suppose I have an unusual definition of the word "depression." I don't consider it an "abnormal, aberrant malady," I consider it an evolved adaptation. And using my unusual, rather tame definition, yes and yes. |
This is another thing I've become obsessed with lately... the idea that all of the most "destructive" aspects of depression are really only destructive to the ORGANISM, but depression might actually be a very constructive mechanism for GENES. I am currently so far off into the deep end in this area that I believe that SUICIDE is actually a "positive adaptation" in terms of gene propagation (though not in terms of the individual organism, obviously), due to sociobiological forces.
Basically, I am now very paranoid that MY FUCKING GENES ARE TRYING TO KILL ME, and that if I don't, I don't know, get enough sunlight or make enough friends or fuck enough bitches or my teeth start to rot or whatever, then someday, some nefarious genetic programming is going to kick in when I least expect it and I'm going to blow my own brains out or engage in similarly self-destructive behavior. Which is pretty scary to me, because consciously, I think I'm like the baddest motherfucker on the planet, and I want to live forever. But unconsciously, I suspect my primate brain doesn't think too highly of itself. And that's why it's been flooding my brain with "spend all your time sleeping, whining, and being a big pussy" neurotransmitters, instead of giving me the "run around punching niggers and writing badass novels" neurochems that I would (consciously) much prefer.
... jesus christ, I've become such a fucking looney, sigh.
I haven't found a single damn person who believes my "suicide is an adaptation" theory. Except for Jrix, maybe, but I think he's just agreeing with me because he doesn't really understand the issue, and he just wants to champion weird ideas so he can use them to fuck with people.
... shit, is that what I do too? ... ...
| 23:13 | molefrosh | well, there is also a symptomatic definition |
| 23:14 | tommyb80 | Are you going to hang out with me? |
| 23:19 | tommyb80 | Just say yes, imo. |
| 23:21 | tommyb80 | ... please. |
| 23:21 | molefrosh | heh |
| 23:23 | molefrosh | I suppose it's not that bad of an idea |
| 23:24 | tommyb80 | Got any good movies? |
| 23:24 | molefrosh | I'd rather meet in public |
| 23:25 | tommyb80 | Suggest a place? |
| 23:25 | molefrosh | coffee shop type place |
| 23:25 | tommyb80 | I assume you don't have a car? |
| 23:25 | molefrosh | no |
| 23:25 | tommyb80 | Is picking you up allowed? |
| 23:26 | tommyb80 | What's a coffee shop near where you live? |
| 23:28 | molefrosh | I guess starbucks on baltimore ave is close |
| 23:29 | molefrosh | you'd think I'd know that without looking it up |
| 23:31 | tommyb80 | Would you say it's probably too late to meet up tonight? |
| 23:32 | tommyb80 | I can't find out what hours they're open. |
| 23:32 | molefrosh | yes, I would say that. |
| 23:32 | tommyb80 | Want to meet tomorrow? |
| 23:33 | molefrosh | you and I have really mismatched views on the general desirability of meeting up |
| 23:33 | tommyb80 | haha |
| 23:34 | tommyb80 | ... and yet I could probably pressure you into meeting me tomorrow? |
| 23:34 | tommyb80 | ugh, women |
| 23:34 | tommyb80 | What do you want to do then, honey pie? |
| 23:35 | tommyb80 | Just throwing that little bit of discouragement in there to test my manhood? See if I have what it takes to score a date with you? |
| 23:36 | molefrosh | when you put it that way, I don't really want to meet you at all. I think you're a little too sharp for me, and that I'm a little too conventional for you. |
| 23:36 | tommyb80 | Oops, I didn't deal with your cunningly placed roadblock / test as eloquently and cordially as you require, yes? I fail the test. Alas. |
| 23:40 | molefrosh | shrug. |
| 23:41 | tommyb80 | Would you be willing to link me to some more pictures of you? |
| 23:41 | molefrosh | no. |
Hum. Honesty so raw that it takes you by surprise, and you don't know if you can trust it.
I guess that's the impression people must have of me a lot of the time. By far the most frequent comment I get on okcupid is "is your profile for real?" Yes, it's as straightforward and honest as I know how to be. And somehow, that makes people distrust it...
And maybe that's what molefrosh is giving me here... a concession so startlingly egoless that it borders on self-deprecating, and I don't know if I can trust it... guess I'll never know...
I think she was just fucking with me. No one ever tells me to piss off because my insight makes them uncomfortable. They just call me an immature deluded idiot.
... or maybe she is being perfectly honest, but she knows that deception and sweet talking are very important for succeeding in life, and when I display an inability to sweet talk, she deduces (correctly) that I must be a huge loser with no friends and so she rightfully decides not to breed with me, because she doesn't want her children to be brain damaged degenerate assholes like me ... ... jeez. Yeah. Sigh.
.
I showed Jrix these convos, and he gave me a very flattering response:
People in general like to establish at least a small framework of what they think the other person's right or wrong answers are. You start off so bluntly and deny them of this, it's so fucking hilarious.
I wonder if use of the word nigger is supposed to be a ploy to subconsciously send signals to the other person such as:"Ha bitch you thought I was a smug intellectual because of all the smart smug shit I said? Well too bad, my use of the word nigger means you can't attack my smugness, sucka".
Meh I could probably word that better..
Jrix's comment made me start fantasizing about scenes from a sitcom with a character like me, which was fun and made me feel good. And I think that's what sparked me to try to bring my webpage back to life.